April 18, 2014

Dear J; 

NINE? I can't believe you've had nine. and that's a rough estimate because you "can't remember" or "don't count". I call bullshit. everyone knows how many they've had. 

I've had four including you. and then when I try and ask if I know any, you ask if I know people at our school in Greek life, which is an obvious yes. I don't even know how to respond to that. I want to know their names but at the same time, I really don't.

I swear when we first met you told me three (not including me). and that made me feel kind of special, considering.

but nine? that's a lot of expectation to live up to. I mean I know we've been together for over two years, but NINE? 

I'm literally speechless right now. and I don't know why. it's not like I should care, but I feel lied to. and I know guys stereotypically lie about their number but I can't believe that two years later, your (maybe) real number comes out? I mean seriously? you never thought to tell me? I need to go to bed. 

From, 

A.

April 17, 2014

Dear J;

I hope you don't mind me putting my letters to you on the internet. Not that you'll ever see them (I hope). You know I hate writing things out by hand, and typing seems so much easier. I can write more, and write more often.

And if we're keeping score,

so far, we're at 1 birthday without a present, and 1 valentines day without a present.

My birthday better be fantastic.

From.
A.

March 25, 2014

Dear J;

Happy anniversary. Yesterday was perfect. We spent the day in (City nearby).
It was perfect. and HOLY SHIT. I can't believe you took me to look at engagement rings. Talk about a wake up call. I can't tell if you're ready for this or not.
Did you do this because you knew I wanted to get engaged soon, or because you want to get engaged?
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with me? I can't tell. There's still no emotion coming from you and it worries me. I've been praying for us a lot at night, now that you're working 3rd shift and I don't have to worry about you hearing.

But I am worried. Worried that you're settling for me. Worried that you have wants and needs that are different than mine.


Worried because, the summer we first started dating, I found the letter you wrote me. You never gave me the letter, and you've never talked about what was in the letter.

Worried because, I don't think that you plan on telling me. Even though we share experiences and pasts. It worries me that something that is such a huge part of you, is being hidden. And I don't know how to address it, because I know that because of it, you are who you are.

I hope you find the strength to tell me. I honestly don't know how long I can keep my knowing a secret if you plan on spending your life together. I don't think I could say yes, knowing that you (think you) are keeping something so big from me.

From,
A.

December 11, 2013

Dear J;

I spoke up.

From,
A.

December 9, 2013

Dear J;

Maybe it started when we first started dating and I thought you might've had a thing..

Now i feel like she spends more time with you than i do, and talks to you more than i do.

And you flirt. And it literally breaks my heart. I know its stupid but there are times where i think you like her more than me. I don't know how much longer i can stay quiet, but i have to.

I cannot and will not be that girl that asks you to quit being friends with someone. But it makes me feel like nothing when i see you flirting on twitter or when i know you're texting.

Who's really in a relationship here? If someone were to just compare, they would probably say you two over me and you. Which isn't okay..

I don't know what to do. I just want to feel like i matter and like i'm loved again like when we first started dating. Because i can't handle crying anymore. I feel like my chest is being ripped apart.

From,
A.

November 5, 2013

Dear J;

Am i unhappy? No. Not really.
Have i become accustom to a life that does not involve affection? Yes. And that's sad. Not like "awe what a shame" sad. It's "break your heart and rip it up" sad.

I hate how you always say how lame Zach is for posting online about Morgan. Sure it is a tad bit excessive, but he loves her and it's sweet. I wouldn't even know how to respond to something that blatantly loving from you. I don't even know how to respond when you kiss me. It's not something i'm used to.

I feel like your roommate.
Not your girlfriend.

From,
A.

September 10, 2013

Psalm 139:14

Dear J;

I'm not sure why today was hard.
I didn't feel fat.
I felt decently attractive.
I feel like i'm in a rut.

AND I still haven't gotten a birthday present. You think I'm joking when I mention it, but it seriously makes me feel like shit when you talk about spending money buying nice things for yourself when you couldn't even spend $20 on a fucking birthday present. It honestly makes me feel unloved.

I can't handle this.

I liked it better when I was numb.

ALSO. I don't understand why I'm accused of being fussy around people when as soon as start to try and enter the conversation, you pull this bullshit:
"Are you talking right now? I apologize everyone, I was unaware the woman was trying to talk. I'm sorry for her."

BULLSHIT and it pisses. me. the. fuck. off.

In other news, i'm down 3 more lbs. Not like you notice anyways.

From,
A.