April 18, 2014

Dear J; 

NINE? I can't believe you've had nine. and that's a rough estimate because you "can't remember" or "don't count". I call bullshit. everyone knows how many they've had. 

I've had four including you. and then when I try and ask if I know any, you ask if I know people at our school in Greek life, which is an obvious yes. I don't even know how to respond to that. I want to know their names but at the same time, I really don't.

I swear when we first met you told me three (not including me). and that made me feel kind of special, considering.

but nine? that's a lot of expectation to live up to. I mean I know we've been together for over two years, but NINE? 

I'm literally speechless right now. and I don't know why. it's not like I should care, but I feel lied to. and I know guys stereotypically lie about their number but I can't believe that two years later, your (maybe) real number comes out? I mean seriously? you never thought to tell me? I need to go to bed. 

From, 

A.

April 17, 2014

Dear J;

I hope you don't mind me putting my letters to you on the internet. Not that you'll ever see them (I hope). You know I hate writing things out by hand, and typing seems so much easier. I can write more, and write more often.

And if we're keeping score,

so far, we're at 1 birthday without a present, and 1 valentines day without a present.

My birthday better be fantastic.

From.
A.

March 25, 2014

Dear J;

Happy anniversary. Yesterday was perfect. We spent the day in (City nearby).
It was perfect. and HOLY SHIT. I can't believe you took me to look at engagement rings. Talk about a wake up call. I can't tell if you're ready for this or not.
Did you do this because you knew I wanted to get engaged soon, or because you want to get engaged?
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with me? I can't tell. There's still no emotion coming from you and it worries me. I've been praying for us a lot at night, now that you're working 3rd shift and I don't have to worry about you hearing.

But I am worried. Worried that you're settling for me. Worried that you have wants and needs that are different than mine.


Worried because, the summer we first started dating, I found the letter you wrote me. You never gave me the letter, and you've never talked about what was in the letter.

Worried because, I don't think that you plan on telling me. Even though we share experiences and pasts. It worries me that something that is such a huge part of you, is being hidden. And I don't know how to address it, because I know that because of it, you are who you are.

I hope you find the strength to tell me. I honestly don't know how long I can keep my knowing a secret if you plan on spending your life together. I don't think I could say yes, knowing that you (think you) are keeping something so big from me.

From,
A.

December 11, 2013

Dear J;

I spoke up.

From,
A.

December 9, 2013

Dear J;

Maybe it started when we first started dating and I thought you might've had a thing..

Now i feel like she spends more time with you than i do, and talks to you more than i do.

And you flirt. And it literally breaks my heart. I know its stupid but there are times where i think you like her more than me. I don't know how much longer i can stay quiet, but i have to.

I cannot and will not be that girl that asks you to quit being friends with someone. But it makes me feel like nothing when i see you flirting on twitter or when i know you're texting.

Who's really in a relationship here? If someone were to just compare, they would probably say you two over me and you. Which isn't okay..

I don't know what to do. I just want to feel like i matter and like i'm loved again like when we first started dating. Because i can't handle crying anymore. I feel like my chest is being ripped apart.

From,
A.

November 5, 2013

Dear J;

Am i unhappy? No. Not really.
Have i become accustom to a life that does not involve affection? Yes. And that's sad. Not like "awe what a shame" sad. It's "break your heart and rip it up" sad.

I hate how you always say how lame Zach is for posting online about Morgan. Sure it is a tad bit excessive, but he loves her and it's sweet. I wouldn't even know how to respond to something that blatantly loving from you. I don't even know how to respond when you kiss me. It's not something i'm used to.

I feel like your roommate.
Not your girlfriend.

From,
A.

September 10, 2013

Psalm 139:14

Dear J;

I'm not sure why today was hard.
I didn't feel fat.
I felt decently attractive.
I feel like i'm in a rut.

AND I still haven't gotten a birthday present. You think I'm joking when I mention it, but it seriously makes me feel like shit when you talk about spending money buying nice things for yourself when you couldn't even spend $20 on a fucking birthday present. It honestly makes me feel unloved.

I can't handle this.

I liked it better when I was numb.

ALSO. I don't understand why I'm accused of being fussy around people when as soon as start to try and enter the conversation, you pull this bullshit:
"Are you talking right now? I apologize everyone, I was unaware the woman was trying to talk. I'm sorry for her."

BULLSHIT and it pisses. me. the. fuck. off.

In other news, i'm down 3 more lbs. Not like you notice anyways.

From,
A.

July 17, 2013

Job 11:18-19

Dear J;
Okay maybe I was a little harsh. But in my defense, i'm allowed to be.
The affection randomly started again. But not before I got pissy about it. Can you blame me? I think not. But I shouldn't have to get pissy when I want shit done. Meh.

However, i'm down 3 lbs. and dropped my mile time by 2 minutes so that's good, right? I feel like the first mile is always the hardest, but I feel really good about getting a 2-3 mile run in at night.

Our apartment is a mess, and is in desperate need of cleaning. I'm still not even unpacked and probably have 5 loads of laundry to do already.

I still don't understand why you get so upset when I joke about not getting a birthday present? At this point, I have to make a joke because I know i'm not getting one and that feels really shitty. So I try and make myself feel better by joking about it, or pretending that it's something either really good or expensive and you just haven't bought it yet. Likelihood of that? Not at all likely. But a girl can dream.

From,
A.

July 9. 2013

Dear J;
I'm done. I'm done with asking for affection. I'm done with expecting it. I've literally become so accustomed to no affection in my relationship, that when it does happen, it seems forced and awkward.

I thought, maybe if I change how I look you'll like me more. A lot of good that did. Am I a horrible person for wanting to lose weight? No. I'm a horrible person because I want to lose weight so you will find me attractive. There has to be some level of attraction, right? At least from my side there is. I have never felt attractive (in any sense of the word) in my entire life. You would think that after dating for so long, i'd have a moment of clarity or something. Nope. I'm over it. But not really.

And honestly, WHY THE FUCK have I not gotten my birthday present yet? My birthday was over a month and a half ago, and it is so embarrassing when people ask what you got me for my birthday. Like I would be happy with a damn gift card because that would be something. I mean, my Lord. Tonight you went out and spent God knows how much at the bar, and then told me you didn't really have the money to spend on a gift and that you needed to wait.

I'm done feeling anything.

From,
A.